Thursday, September 9, 2010
Airports, expensive food, too-big backpacks weigh us down. Hearts full, excitement brimming, emotions run high. English-speaking, Spanish-listening. Airplane food, flights to somewhere and everywhere. Confusion, joy, fear, new friends. Knowing we will all change, but wondering how and when. Like an hour hand shifting slowly. A desire for independence, yet still confined. Rules still govern, perhaps for a purpose of safety. Wandering around, taking in buildings, noises, faces and food.
A middle step of culture, not too far away from home. At first, I didn’t want to leave, now I’m ready to go again. Somewhere else this time. No time to reflect, rest, write, pray. Too much but not enough. Judgments but too late. Learning my place, knowing I need to change but still stubborn. A mall, just like home. I wanted something different, why is it the same? United in faith, we sing the same song. Language divides, common praise unites.
A big building, old and not quite empty. We pile in, some speak too loudly-this place cannot hold us. I hide inside, wishing for more tact, a greater awareness. And so it is. I am changing. We cannot stay the same.
Flowers, cold, wind bites, rain falls. Jackets and shoes from another place. It was the wrong list. I resent it. But isn’t that a part of it all? Going beyond what I choose and control. We cannot stay the same. I fight it, yell inside that I won’t. Yet forcing me, I learn humility. Before it was impossible. I am in the ocean, trying to stand. Salt fills my eyes, soaks into my skin, coats my hair. I am pushed down-it is all lost. Everything I knew is different. I am in the fire. Purification, refined, cleaned. It is a long journey, and I just want to rest. There is peace in not moving. I just want to stand still. But where would that take me, except exactly where I was, exactly what I already know, exactly the same.
And I am pushed again. Straight lines. 200 words, a timed schedule. Do it because you will never grow if you stay the same. It continues, a tour bus, backpack full, one big line. Obtrusive, safe, controlled, yet different. Because who would want to stay the same. Never alone, never the same. Humbled, new, pure: changed.