A Small Attempt to Explain the Supernatural

I have recently been in a place of intense expectancy for how God wants to show up in my life in a radical way. I wrote this 3 days ago:

It felt like a deposit had been made. Or like when you water a seed, day after day, tediously and seemingly fruitlessly. But suddenly a sprout breaks through the ground. Today-beneath confusion, doubt, anxiety and fear, water seeped through to my heart. I couldn’t explain how it managed to get through all that darkness and pain and reach the deepest parts of my soul. But there it was, nourishing and strengthening me for a time that is still to come. I sense it is coming soon. Yes, indeed it will come soon. Quickly and surely that green sprout will burst forth into a living tree that will never perish or fade. It will be a tree that has no fears.

Yesterday was that day of breakthrough between God's Spirit and mine. After a job interview for Shasta School District, I left for Starbucks feeling hopeful. As I sat with my iced coffee in a cushioned brown chair, I breathed in deeply and felt God speak words of encouragement directly to my heart. I was able to honestly think-whether or not I get this job, I trust Jesus for what he's doing in me. I was obedient to move to Redding and attend BSSM and God does indeed reward the obedient heart that is actively following him.

I left with the deepest, most unusual sense of peace I had ever experienced up to that point. Bethel is hosting an Open Heavens Conference and yesterday and today I served on the ushering team.
God has a way of blessing us when we're in service to him. I didn't expect him to show up in such mighty, powerful ways.

The afternoon and evening progressed with themes of passionate worship, biblical, Spirit-filled teaching and a wonderful corporate anointing with so many nations represented and Carol and John Arnott from Toronto as the guest speakers.

Carol led those in attendance in a prayer of forgiveness towards our parents, ourselves and towards God. As she declared soul ties to be broken in Jesus' name I was so moved spiritually, emotionally and physically that I fell backwards into the wall. I didn't realize I needed freedom from past relationships but wow, Jesus totally changed something inside of my heart at that moment. It was like, any stronghold the devil had was removed and replaced by God's beautiful power.

The night continued and after I drove away from the church I continued to feel this incomprehensible sense of peace and absolute JOY. I now understand what is meant by being "drunk" in the Spirit.

It's not an uncontrollable, reckless feeling, nor did I feel guilty or shameful or embarrassed like always happened when I used to drink (a long time ago, for a brief season. Thanks Jesus for bringing me out of that time. I'm meant for much more than that!). I don't really like the term drunk because that makes me think I was doing something wrong. It makes that experience seem impure or adulterated.

But last night was not those things. It was like liquid joy was flowing through my body. Like light was filling me up. I suppose it was a physical manifestation of what God does. He fills us with light and love and joy.

But this time was so intensely unique, personal, powerful, overwhelmingly wonderful. I was sitting in my car journaling and listening to the new David Crowder album. I finally understood what John Mark McMillan meant when he says-Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

I just wanted to share that intense love. I wanted to shout it out, pray for people, pour into others this love that has been so strongly poured into me. It really filled me up to continue serving at the conference today, and has just affirmed what I have known to be true about God. He's good, all the time. He's powerful and he moves among those who are hungry to seek Him.

In love and joy,

Jesus is the prototype for the ministry of the Believer

Since I found out in January that I'd be coming to Bethel for their school of supernatural ministry, I've been praying a lot for discernment. For months my mentor and I pressed in for God to give me a supernatural power to discern the teachings and leadership I'd find at Bethel.

September came and I felt secure in coming and God has totally answered that prayer. In the 5 weeks I've been here-I've realized something else: I've begun to truly, wholeheartedly trust the leadership at Bethel Church. Their core values reflect Jesus and the Kingdom. Their hearts are to pursue the Kingdom of God here on earth-not at the expense of love but rather from an outpouring of the Father's heart and love for His children. We display God's power and glory as a sign to point to Jesus and his ministry.

Our classes in school have course overviews and objectives, a few summaries of which I'll post here:

• "The Bible is the primary, authoritative guide to the faith and practice of Christianity. All supernatural and natural experience must be measured by the Truth as revealed in God's Word. God is still speaking but everything we hear now must be consistent with what He has spoken. We cannot lead properly, or in a healthy, holy manner in the Christian community if we don't know how to understand the Word."

• "The goal is to train students in areas of service, ministry and evangelism to and for our community...to develop competency and confidence in bringing the love and life changing power of God into respectful, loving encounters with individuals so as to bring them to a saving connection with Christ and contribute to city-wide transformation."

• "We will demonstrate God's ability and willingness to move in power with and for his people. Jesus's minstry, dependence and expectation are the blueprint for the Christian life. Keeping in step with the Holy Spirit as the apostle Paul commands will result in a naturally supernatural lifestyle."

• "We demonstrate God's grace, His unconditional love and transforming power to everyone. We impact every socioeconomic group and cultural realm, that mercy and justice would reign because we pastor a city, not just a church."

• The goal of BSSM and our time here is to form "Believers who are focused and passionate, willing to pay any price to live in community, purity and power because they are loved by God and love Him. Whose manifest presence transforms lives and cultures."

Enounters-the first 2 weeks

So much has happened already in the past few weeks of my time in Redding. Classes haven't even started yet!

I have been getting to know the ministries Bethel has to offer- Last week I attended a Financial breakthrough, prophesy, worship and prayer night hosted by a student. It was about 100 lovers of Jesus packed into a house. We worshiped, heard amazing testimonies of God's provision, prayed for breakthrough that God would provide finances for BSSM tuition, and then shared words and encouragement with each other. This was one of my first tastes of a BSSM party.

Every night there is something to attend- Worship nights, prophecy parties (basically just a few hours of encouraging others from Scripture and declaring God's promises over each other!), barbeques, days at Whiskey Town Lake (15 minutes away), and of course getting involved in the official ministries at Bethel Church.

My first Saturday I went to Bethel's Healing Rooms-this ministry is world famous. I went an hour or so early to spend time in the Alabaster Prayer House, which is a building open 24/7 for prayer, worship, journaling, quiet time, intercession, etc.

The Healing Rooms run 9:00am-10:30am on Saturdays. When I arrived at 8am, there was already a line of people near and through the church doors. These people have come from all over the world to receive prayer, healing, and get a taste of the Bethel culture.

I didn't come to the Healing Room for physical healing-though I was able to observe while others prayed for healing. The requirement to pray for others there is to go through their prayer training-which I plan to attend starting next week! But there's a separate room for corporate worship, prayer, prophetic art, prophetic dance, journaling, communion, etc.

Last Thursday night I attended Embassy Young Adults, a ministry time for ages 18-39. The worship that evening was very powerful, and after a message about Jesus calling us friends I received very accurate prayer from the ministry team.

This past Sunday night Heid Baker came to visit and share about her ministry in Mozambique and other countries in Africa. I had never heard her speak before-but her reputation as a powerful, radical lover of Jesus preceded her. I stepped into the building expectant of what God was going to do that night through her. And wow...God showed up!

Her message was all about stopping for the one-first Jesus, our One, and then stopping for one of the 4.4 billion people in the world who don't know Christ and are dying of spiritual starvation. Heidi shared testimonies of physical provision-a physical multiplication of food for the orphans she cares for in many countries in Africa. At the end the call was to declare that we would stop for the One.

Then a vision she had was shared that will remain etched into my mind forever-
She saw this from above the earth-she was taken up and could see the whole world below her. Charging around the earth below were chariots of fire led by two, transparent saints. They were transparent because they knew no sin to hide them-they had been made clean! The other strange thing about these saints was their hearts-they were disproportionately sized and stretched shoulder to shoulder inside their chests. These saints had the hearts of Christ for the nations, Christ's heart for His people.

Though these saints were each supposedly leading these chariots of fire around the whole earth, the reins were suspended up above, even higher above the earth and the chariots. Jesus was holding all the reins in his left hand. Jesus then declared that He was holding the reins because the saints below need two hands to carry the sword-the sword of mercy and justice.

Oh, my heart MOVED at this call to take up the sword of mercy and justice as Jesus is holding control of the chariots. The Spirit was so thick in the room at that time-after the declaration of God's goodness and desire for mercy and His love to be shown through us to all nations. I have never experienced anything like this night. Jesus is so good to reveal His heart to us.

Last night was another amazing, Spirit-filled evening. My roommates and I invited our wonderful landlords over for dinner and dessert. Little did we know it would turn into ministry time! That tends to happen at any gathering here that consists of more than one believer! We all just felt so loved and cared for-we all received prayer and prayed for each other. The Spirit revealed Himself to me in new ways that I didn't fully understand but by which I was very encouraged. This house is as safe place for us to know Jesus and be known by Him.

Many months ago when God laid this call to Bethel on my heart a second time, I began to pray about what I would find here. I also began to pray against my fears. The unknown is scary and misunderstanding can cause hesitation or a hindrance from experiencing all that God is. I don't want a God that looks like me. If I can fully explain His every move and touch, then what sort of supernatural, omnipotent, Creator God is this?



Classes start today-and my prayer is the same-Jesus reveal yourself to my here, through this ministry school. Show me how to be a better lover of your people-a better steward of your gifts-a better revealer of your Truth to the world around me.

Thanks for sharing in this journey with me, my friends. God is doing a very good work through this time.

Receiving Rest

I woke up this morning after a few hours of sleep. My first thought was of the intense awareness of God's Presence. My eyes opened and I laid there breathing in and out prayers of peace, of love and joy for provision, prayers that declare His faithfulness, prayers of pure thanksgiving to Jesus. Though I can't pinpoint or describe the process of change, it was a clear difference from yesterday.

It was like He softened my heart while I was sleeping...like I was resting and He came in and rained down life upon my spirit. Usually this feeling comes after travailing weeks of prayer, fasting, worshiping, journaling, and counseling. But today, I didn't do a thing to work for this peace, to search it out, to chase after it, to entice it near or to find it. I just slept. I just rested.

Perhaps this is the day I begin to learn the value of rest. Now I am realizing I don't have to push myself to be closer to Jesus-no longer do I need to try hard to feel His presence or work out the formula to encounter Him. He has just been knocking at the door...Jesus, come in! Come in and dwell here, make yourself known here, bring life and joy that emanates from your presence.

After writing this I felt a leading to read Zechariah 2:10-13

10“Shout and be glad, O Daughter of Zion. For I am coming, and I will live among you,” declares the Lord. 11“Many nations will be joined with the Lord in that day and will become my people. I will live among you and you will know that the Lord Almighty has sent me to you. 12The Lord will inherit Judah as his portion in the holy land and will again choose Jerusalem. 13Be still before the Lord, all mankind, because he has roused himself from his holy dwelling.”

---

More love. More healing. More Jesus.

So much has happened since those few weeks in Bali. I have learned more about the heart of God than I have ever known. God has been revealing Himself in so many profound, encouraging, powerful, kind, gentle and loving ways. I have seen His provision and faithfulness countless times. The past few weeks before leaving Orange County comprised an amazing season of recounting God's goodness and just how specifically He answers prayers.

In July I had an opportunity to attend a home group where a mentor, pastor and friend of mine prayed for me. This prayer, second to the prayer I proclaimed when I was 13, has had the greatest impact on my life thus far. This pastor shared a vision and word that he received: Not only will you have a healing ministry, but you have a ministry specifically for people with broken bones, crooked bones, bones that hadn't healed right. You're going to pray for these people and God is going to heal them.

Ummm...what? Until that night I had never prayed on my own for a physical healing. I had studied the theory behind it-what it would look like, why it would happen-because it reveals God's love for us and His desire to bring wholeness to the entire person-Spirit and body.

That night God began a healing ministry through me-not because I was suddenly a better person or a more holy Christian-only because I had a small amount of faith in what God is like and what He desires, and I took a small step in obedience and prayed. He did the rest.

Since then God has been showing up in such powerful ways through physical healing. People are amazed that God cares enough that His presence and love takes away pain, headaches, dislocations, double vision, and healing beyond the physical as well.

I have learned that a physical healing goes far beyond making someone pain-free. It's literally an invasion of heaven into earth-where God's kingdom invades and casts away pain, darkness, suffering, loneliness, fear and hopelessness. It's a physical representation of His goodness, power, joy and absolute love for us. It's wonderful, profound, breathe-taking, and my mind cannot comprehend how it actually happens! It is beyond the natural, and beyond my ability to rationalize or reason. It is beautiful, and I am honored and so encouraged by what God has been doing.

My hope in sharing this story is that others would be equally encouraged by God's goodness. God is good all the time, and that has never changed. I don't know the depth of His love, but I'm pressing in to find out more of what that looks like.

Jeremiah 15:16

This past week has been one of the most amazing weeks I have had in a long time. Amazing is a vague adjective... Spirit-filled, revelatory, joyful, stretching, growing, learning difficult lessons and learning easy ones. I can't hardly contain it all with my keyboard.

It started after meeting with my new mentor, Jenn. I was skeptical of being paired up with someone to walk through life together. However, such "contrived" community has worked so well in Circles so far! God totally surpassed my expectations in this relationship. It is already that, after 3 weeks, a friendship, fellowship, guidance, even discipleship. Our meetings are bordered in prayer, testimony, questions, therapy of sorts.

My goal in this mentorship is that I would be pushed. I have many friends who just tell me it's all going to be ok, that where I'm at with God is good, fine, sufficient. I also need someone to DECLARE the Truths of the word in my life. Jenn is an atmosphere-changer. My spirit is changed in the presence of our conversations. God is so at work here, it truly transcends my human understanding.

I unknowingly committed to quiet times with the Lord this week. Jenn kindly (...it's what I needed!!) offered to keep me accountable to carving out 6-6:45 am every morning to meet in the secret place with the Lord. It has been a transformative process. Each morning, God meets me in this obedience. He shows up in power, even when I am reluctant, sleepy and moderately to majorly distracted by the smells and sounds of my French roast brewing. Each morning, I bring my prayer requests, take time to listen, and seek to eat the Word (Jeremiah 15:16). It's a safe time and place to cry out to God about things that would usually remain beneath the surface. And He has answered very specific prayers.

Today I played on the swings with Kendall, the darling 3 year old I nanny for 4 times per week. Last week I invited her to Easter at the amphitheater. I have never seen a child so excited about a piece of cardstock before. This afternoon we spoke about prayer. She asked me what I will be doing after I graduate from college. I responded about Bible school, where we pray, sing and read the Bible. She said, I prayer in the mornings at my school. I asked her what prayer means. She said, It's when we talk to God! I said I do that all the time, and she said she likes that idea.

The main conclusion I am resting on from my times with God this week is this: To sow into heaven as I minister to God. Store up treasures that may or may not have an earthly reward or visible product. I don't know fully what this means. But I know that, in ministering to the Lord, in making him the focus of my worship in every aspect of my day, that He's glorified by that posture.

Nightfall..Spirit Fall

When I was younger I used to get really intense anxiety about certain things. The most fearful time of struggle was always that hour or so between late afternoon and early evening-as the sun was going down and everything got shadowed and dark. I used to sit in the living room, close my eyes tightly and try to ignore the shift towards nightfall.

Every so often this feeling comes back. An anxious, depressed, heavy feeling. Tonight was such a night. It usually happens if I have too much time to just sit and think. If I don't turn my attention and affection towards God in that time, lifting my fears up in prayer, then inexplicable anxiety floods in. I don't know how to describe it. Like a constriction of my heart, sharp breaths and a tangible weight on my chest and shoulders. Again, usually inexplicable.

Tonight I couldn't pinpoint a specific fear or worry. That makes it difficult to pray against, because Jesus named the demons. He cast them away by name.
I am thankful to have this as an outlet to share, even if I don't have it figured out entirely. There's such power in a community to surround myself in.
Choosing to enter rest, expectant and prepared to receive divine comfort.

Temporal vs Kingdom

I have been preoccupied with very temporal things lately. School, finances, learning how to sell and buy a car, budgeting, planning. It seems a waste to dedicate so much time to issues that have little or no spiritual, eternal value. Some of these things must be done.

But they should be done differently. 

• How can organizing and budgeting my finances serve the Kingdom?
• How can the way I sell my car glorify Christ?
• How does the way I view the future display Christ's character and freedom?
• Does my life scream that I live for someone greater than anything in this world?
• Does my life squish itself up against God's side, so that he covers me with his feathers as I rest under his wings (Psalm 91:4)? 
• Am I so close to Him that his heartbeat resonates clearly to my heart and out towards others?

Ah, such difficult questions. I guess the answer rests in taking hold of every redemptive moment, as Darin so aptly describes it.
Let us pray that more than our words proclaim the reality and nearness of the Kingdom of God.

It's expensive

"The life that Jesus led was not an aberration or a temporary statement of God's solution for humanity. He started something that we are to complete. Jesus said, "As the Father sent Me, I send you” (John 20:21). It's not complicated; it's just expensive. It costs us everything," Bill Johnson.

Thank you everyone for the prayers and encouragement in the question of attending ministry school in September. I am realizing more and more that everything is fading. It fades because we were actually made for Christ's love. We fit perfectly in His hand of grace and His heart of perfect love.

"King David was known for killing Goliath in His youth. Yet there are at least four other giants killed in Scripture—all killed by the men who followed David, the giant killer. If you want to kill giants, hang around a giant killer. It rubs off" Bill Johnson, When Heaven Invades Earth.

So I am going to BSSM to be a giant killer, to fill my mind with the Word, to direct my heart to what God thinks about his children, and to bring the promises of God from heaven to earth.

Isaiah 60:
1“Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.
2 See, darkness covers the earth
and thick darkness is over the peoples,
but the LORD rises upon you
and his glory appears over you.
3 Nations will come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your dawn.

I'm holding onto that promise. Jesus declares "the knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you," Matthew 13:11

"Everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other," John 15:15-17.

And so, let us pursue love, with the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. May we arise and shine. Though it costs us our lives, God's glory will triumph.

Tracking a divine movement

God has been moving! Here are some notes from the past few weeks:

Jesus Culture 2011: The goal of the Jesus Culture conferences is to "mobilize a generation of revivalists to shape culture and transform nations through supernatural signs and wonders."
Banning spoke about the Secret Place (Matthew 6:6). The hidden foundation is something that nobody else knows about. It's a conversation that no one else hears.

A secret-place lifestyle establishes a secret history with the Lord. We meet in the secret place because 1. God is there! and 2. It's where fruit is cultivated.

Mark 4:34 says that when Jesus was alone with his disciples, he explained everything to them. The Greek word used here for everything is πάντα. It means everything, the whole, all things, every part.
The foundation of a revivalist is found in the secret place. It is where we are strengthened, and it is where God speaks to us.

The corporate momentum found at a conference with thousands of other worshippers of Jesus ignites a hunger for secret-place revival. I want to be famous in the secret place, because that's where Jesus meets us.

I often lower the standard down to my level of experience. But I would rather be shaped by the overwhelming, overflowing access to God that is available to anyone who actively seeks Him.

I don't want to leave an impression of myself on others. The only impression left by a life sacrificed to God is that of the "strong, calm sanity that God gives to those who are intimate with him," (Oswald Chambers).
"Bethel is the symbol of communion with God. We have to pitch our tents where we shall always have quiet times with God, however noisy our times with the world may be," (Chambers).

These lessons have spurred a renewed desire to find Jesus in the secret place. I want to be a be strengthened there, to enable and encourage others to find their own place with God in this big world.

Genesis 28:16 Jacob exclaims, "Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it." Another goal of mine is to be ever-more aware of God's presence. To acknowledge the truths of God, the God-reality of each moment.

I will give you a new name

I have hardly begun to process what has happened in the past 6 months. I have been home for 2 weeks, and I already feel as though God is ushering in a new season.

Last night, after a homemade pizza party, the house was full of a group of amazing people who love Jesus. We gathered to worship, pray and prophesy together. After several songs, each person received several "words" from God. The "guidelines" for prophesy are that the words must be encouraging, point towards Jesus, and build up and strengthen the person to further walk in their identity as a Christ-follower.

I transcribed the revelations as best I could in my journal. Marissa, my sister-in-law, two of my brothers, my mom, dad, two family friends and two guys my age from Bethel's Supernatural School of Discipleship were present. I wrote 16 pages of revelation.

While I would love to share the words that everyone received, I will share my own in hopes of remembering God's promises for this new year:

• My mom kept hearing the song Rock a by baby. She saw a cradle up in a tree. She said, I know you fully trust God. When the tree branch breaks, the cradle will not fall.
• Another vision was that God was laying dramatic colors over me. He is working on a huge abstract painting that is taller than me. We take clumps of paint together to form this masterpiece. It has taken awhile. At times I walk away from this painting, because it is a process. I have come back to it, and I will finally be able to finish it. This season is over and something beautiful is almost finished to display.
• God is now opening something bigger to rejuvenate me. Be bold and step into that calling. People see your joy and wonder where it comes from. They desire that joy.
  
• Every time God fills others, he does not run out. There will always be enough of him, more than enough. Do not worry, his hand is over that. Worry isn't something to live in-God has you in his hand.

It was an amazing night, filled with encouraging words and promises. There is so much more to share, but I sense that the right time will come to share more.
For now I pray that these words will sink into my heart and that I will walk on these promises of truth.
Be encouraged, my friends. God knows exactly where you are, and he desires to move you closer and closer to his heart.

Africa:: Surprise Assault and Reconciliation

I step forward through a rusty gate, my mind racing for the events that are sure to transpire. Full of both hopes and fears, my heart beats rapidly. I have arrived in Kenya: both my greatest excitement and greatest cause of worry. The wet, red earth made muddy from last night’s warm rain squelches under my feet. As I make my way through the crowd of children, small dark hands reach out for my much lighter arms.

Nervously I sit down on an old pew inside the church. The spaces fill up and a teenage boy sits down next to me, taking up the last of the wooden space. My nostrils fill with the assaulting smell of industrial strength glue. Upon closer inspection, I realize just who is sitting to my left-A boy of sixteen dons the same tattered clothes day after day; his only possessions he carries with him. His feet, red from the same Kenyan dirt I walked through, stick out from the multiple holes in his only pair of shoes. Somewhat reluctantly on my part my eyes meet his. My heart drops somewhere deep within me. Timidly I smile a greeting but those dark eyes do not respond. They are preoccupied with fumes from the glue and something I sense as fear, which stems from the hardening realities of destitution.

I sit next to this boy who is the same age as my youngest brother. I am afraid to ask his name. Hours later my heart is still weighted by the smell of glue used to forget. The very substance that binds is tearing him apart.

The obsessive part of me takes over, having been structured by an American education system based on problem-solving. I start to make list after list of how to fix this problem of orphaned street kids turning to drugs for support. I brainstorm the needs of Kenya with other local volunteers at the church: water, food, education, healthcare, clothing, shelter. This simple list is just that-the basic needs of children and people around the world. I continue to write with my three dollar pen, pages of dreams to fix these issues.

Soon my attitude becomes one of disbelief at the enormous problems laid out in my black notebook, tangibly displayed in these children who lack a daily meal and clean drinking water. My list cannot heal this problem, even my mind cannot fully comprehend how great the need is here. I leave the church feeling disheartened, helpless and unsure of how to respond.

The next morning comes too quickly, and I enter those same rusty gates with shaky hands and nearly overflowing eyes. These two weeks in Kenya will be my chance to contribute in the fight for the needs here. I serve the kids ugali, corn flour mixed with water, along with vegetables. This meal is the only one of the day for most of the children here. We sing songs with them, give hugs, play games, and try to show as much love as possible to those who are just beginning to learn the value they hold in their small selves. In these children I see a haunting spectrum. They are young and impressionable; my prayer is for positive influences rather than self-destruction or a fear of trusting others with their dreams.

Afternoon hours come and another young boy sits next to me on the hard earth. We shake hands in greeting, and I notice something different in him. Most boys his age bring with them the weight of glue and hardened eyes. I met Paul Kariuki that afternoon, a 14-year-old boy who proved me wrong. Paul has been at the church for five years; the first three years were a haze of glue fumes and a life hedged by the influence of his friends. He explained to me he did not see his family during that time. He had no food, no shelter, no education and no love.

Smelling rags soaked in gasoline was his only defense against the cold of living on the streets; it helped him not to feel so alone. People categorize street kids as thieves, and Paul was looked down upon by pedestrians, shopkeepers, tourists and other hesitant adults.

I asked him what caused him to stop doing drugs; his response caused me to reflect on my own goals. He said he had really thought about life, and what he wanted from it. His old life was one of fear and neglect, but his future is bright. Paul was accepted into the Fikisha program where, for the first time in his life, someone told him he was allowed to dream. I was told that often as a child, but he had never been asked what his hopes are for his future. Now he was able to answer-an engineer.

He talks about his past with mentors at the church, in order to process his old life and the beautiful transformation into the present. He tells me the rest of the boys who still do drugs have been influenced by Paul’s new vision. They say he made a wise choice. I smile and nod my head in agreement, a small outward sign of my heart for him. He has made a wise choice, because of the opportunity to find better influences, people to encourage him, a place to live, money for school and a place to sleep.

Paul has shown me that many children have unrecognized potential. Fikisha placed a hope in him, and in turn he inspires hope. I have seen the tragedies are real. Orphans and children who don’t have money for school or food pour into the church grounds daily in hopes of a meal. But the successes are real as well. Paul showed me this the first day we met, and he will continue to exeunt that hope in Kawangware to those who need someone to reach out, pull them up and show them a new life is possible.

Goals revisited

Seven months ago, I wrote several goals for myself. They have all been met, at least on a partial, continuing level. Looking back and looking inwardly, I can tell that this list of 20 only scratches the surface of what has taken place.

Each item on this list represents something that changed in my life, my heart, at my very core. My identity has increased to encompass a level I have never known before. This list is a symbol, an icon of a paradigm shift.

Through hearing stories about other people, through being uncomfortable for the majority of 4 months, I have become more aware of what I am capable of. This is not of my own strength, or by sheer will power. Several times I would have given up, if not for my community around me who encouraged me with the Word and their presence.

I am still unsure how to process all that has happened. I sense a time is coming, because I cannot take it in all at once. Nor can I describe it here, with the mere written word. To do so would be a disservice to myself and to you.
So I will wait in attempted patience, with the knowledge and comfort that the changes have not come to a conclusion.

Travel and Loss

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Traveling to the tenth and final country has been one of the most trying experiences. It has also been a journey that has allowed me to see the most about myself. It is easy to love something when it loves you back. It’s easy to love traveling when there are beaches and fresh fruit juice, comfy beds and exciting new friends. But what about when travel does not love you back? It can be a cruel friend, so I have seen. Multiple times I have seen the shadowed side of travel. These are the parts that no one mentions in a post card home. On that small rectangular piece of thick paper, it is all smiles, sunshine and serenity. But once that paper has been stamped and sent by airmail to friends and family back home, the true experiences creep in.

If you think someone is perfect, spend more time with them. The truth comes out, slowly. After nearly four months, traveling has shown itself to me. I see that traveling often means being very uncomfortable, for days or weeks at a time. It means trying new foods, treading softly as to not offend the locals. It means following the group tour, or perhaps getting lost on your own. It means looking inside yourself at the places that only come out in times of desperation, anger or frustration.

I have seen that side: in Russia, with confusion and impatience, in Egypt, sailing down the Nile for 4 days. I saw it in India with no air conditioning, privacy or fresh air. I saw it in Kenya, where the people take too much of your heart. But China has been offering an even deeper view of self. Loss has increased, and my reaction to such events has been frustration and sadness. I see it only lasts for a moment. It last for a few moments, this last time.

There is nothing that is constant, except God, his love and his word. I have seen that. Times and circumstances change so quickly in this adventure of world travel. I lose material possessions, time, and money. Effort seems wasted, people seem unchanged, and my heart reacts in a deceitful way. It is scary. But a short time after, God always comes in and picks up these pieces of me. These pieces are much more malleable than before. They can be molded, shaped and changed in a way that was impossible before that instance.

I am still afraid to welcome such change. Perhaps one day I will see the true value in dying to self, multiple times on a single trip. I hope to see these new shapes. The old ones are gone; they are being replaced, renewed.

The lesson now is to learn to wait through the feelings of confusion, loss, anger, and fear. They still occur, but they are building a larger structure of character and strength that I could not have fathomed before. So in the tenth country I realize there are many more countries to come. There are many more uncomfortable situations. And as I learn to say, Bring the rain, for now I say, the rain is here and I know the fruit will come soon. Just be willing to wait, that’s all.

Seasons of the trip

I'm sitting in the airport in Hong Kong, waiting to fly to LAX in an hour! I will update on China and the last few weeks of the trip when I get home. For now, here's my latest Travel Writing story about seasons from the trip. :) Looking forward to coming home and continuing to process all that has happened in these past 4 months.

Growing as Children: Games and Revelations

It started out as a guessing game, similar to the endless rounds of I-Spy on a family road trip. I would take a guess, write it down, and hope for the best. It seems like just as long ago that I started to ponder the vast lessons of world travel. I expected to be changed, to have new experiences, to expand my perspective and to fly far away from my comfort zone.

After months of planning, I realized how completely unprepared I was to face the whole world with one backpack and nineteen textbooks. That morning came quickly, like a road sign that flashes by before you can read the words. That first airplane ride took me away from everything I knew. I remember it, a distant day. I was on a mission: to experience everything with new eyes.

Argentina: I am now an English-speaker and a Spanish-listener. I am a consumer. I want to take the perfect picture. I want to capture the experience in a single frame. It will be the experience I am supposed to have. Yet these first two weeks teach me I know very little about myself, and even less about those around me. I have 29 new acquaintances and am hesitant to share my life with these strangers. We share a common bond and our desires to learn and grow are the foundation for new friendships.

Russia: I have to take a second to check the road map. The GPS shouts contradictory directions at me in a British accent. I am confused and scared of what the future holds. I grasp for anything I can hold onto. A plan, I need a plan.

We pile into an old building, some speak too loudly. This place cannot hold us. I hide inside, wishing for more tact and a greater awareness. And so it is. I am changing. We cannot stay the same. Flowers, cold, wind bites, rain falls. These jackets and shoes are from another place. It was the wrong list. I resent it. But isn’t that a part of it all? Going beyond what I choose and control. We cannot stay the same. I fight it, yell inside that I won’t. Yet forcing me, I learn humility.

Egypt: Loss resonates and my mind plays it over and over. It is the longest van ride ever-from Cairo to Sinai. I resent it even more than the false packing list. Emotions run higher than the temperatures outside. Sand mixes with sweat and tears as we drive through the desert. It is a process of purification. Loss of material possessions has a cathartic effect on my heart. But I fight it the whole drive.

Eight hours later and I will myself to exit the van. We pour into the hostel, exhausted, spent. I cannot stay the same. I press on and climb a mountain. I beg God to reconnect with my heart, to fan the flame that had been choked by earthly desires. The Word is like water or breath or cold air in the hot desert. On the top of Mt. Sinai, I thank God for helping me endure.

Israel: We made it to the Promised Land. This is where Jesus walked. Sit and wait for the moment where your heart will change, as though willing the rain to come, the flower to bloom, the autumn leaf to fall. A frustration overshadows any other emotion. Why am I the same? Did not Jesus die so we would never be the same? I sing worship songs under my breath, in order to have a familiar context for these unfamiliar sites.

The day salvation was gifted to my heart is the day I refused to be the same person. I cannot stay the same.

Lifting my face to glory, I celebrate the loss of my self, my former life. The true self looks at Jesus, face to face. Don’t miss what I want to show you; don’t look around at the things you think you want. He speaks this to me.

Jesus asked, God, my God, Why have you forsaken me? When he could no longer see the Father, never was he more near. There is safety in suffering, affliction, death to self that He might reign in me. At our last breath we cling to the Father who is well-pleased to draw near, and promises such. At this point I realize that I am not the same.

Egypt: Woe to those who go back to Egypt for comfort: because there are no comforts in Egypt. It is not just a disclaimer, it is practical advice. There are no options but to sit on a sailboat for endless hours and pray to God. My heart is restless and I try to fill it but there is nothing around me but the Nile River, pita bread and flies. And so I pray, out of both boredom and out of necessity. It is a necessity, I realize. I cannot stay the same.

Kenya: I fear the whole continent of Africa-the place notorious for capturing missionary hearts for needy, orphaned children. So I come prepared. I plan the saving of Africa, of Kenya, to be exact. I make endless lists to save the children. Bullet points, color-coded, categorized. This structure is the only way I can protect myself from heartbreak. \

I come to realize that Africa is big. There are many needs and my highlighted lists cannot save anything, at least on their own. I leave feeling changed. Saddened that I cannot save the world, but emboldened to know that Christ can. I continue on, ambitious for India.

India: How did I get back to Egypt? I am back on this silly sailboat with nothing to do but endure the heat and pray. I am frustrated. I continually remind myself that I cannot stay the same. Part of me is still the same. I do not like being uncomfortable. But God, if that is where you are going, take me along too. If this suffering is producing something in me, do not remove me from this humid purification.

Indonesia: God, you captured my heart in Bali. Not through the green trees, rice fields or ocean breezes, but through a supernatural power. I can no longer operate on human abilities and man-made strategies for advancing the Kingdom. God’s pervasive presence has fallen on my heart, on my new heart. The earth is saturated with His presence. God pulls me in to experience more of his power and provision. I have been invited to encounter His divine existence in my daily life. I am made new, changed, purified and refined by fire.

China: Part of me would have been content to skip these last few weeks in China. But almost immediately, my heart warmed towards this place. I had two host families in my three weeks here; both were amazing and helped me learn more about Chinese culture. I taught English to 8th graders. The teacher told me, "I want to learn from you. I want to see how you teach students." Since I have never officially taught a class, this was an ironic challenge. The three weeks flew by, and God continued to soften my heart and surprise me by moving through me to impact others. I know the next step is to process and share all that has happened here. I look forward to this new challenge and I expect the intense impact to resonate into the future.

I am still guessing: I-Spy for grown-ups. Or, rather, for those who are growing up. I am a work in progress, refining my guesses, asking better questions to discover the true nature of God and his people. I have new eyes that are continually being refined to see more like God sees. It is the child’s hope for guessing well and knowing the Father’s heart. He is showing me that child-like wonder is more than a road trip game. It is the only constant theme in this quickly-passing scenery.

Welcome to Bali

Life has taken a turn since my last posts in India. We said goodbye to the people of Mumbai and the Lutheran Center, goodbye to the former orphanage in the slums that we called home. We left the tastes, smells and constant horn-honking traffic for an air conditioned airport and airplane. We had a layover in Malaysia and I pondered the next time I would be on this part of the world. Oh, and God provided a Coffee Bean :) in the cool Malaysian airport so I spent all night on the plane to Bali hyped up on an iced coffee. Many people on the team were sick just before and during these two flights to Indonesia. We arrived in lush, green Bali Tuesday morning around 11 and were driven to the guesthouse where we are staying in Ubud, the art capital of Bali.

Bali is...opposite of India in several ways. It is so green here, though still humid. Indonesia has the largest Muslim population in the world, but Bali is primarily Hindu.

I have been learning a lot about Hinduism from the owner of our guesthouse, who is also a professor of Religion and Culture (two of my favorite things). Each morning people make a small offering of rice, coconut flakes, coffee or flowers on a square of banana leaf. This is to appease the evil spirits and to please the kind spirits to grant them prosperity and wellness in their businesses or homes.

I asked Mr. Budi about this and tried to steer the conversation towards the questions Hinduism cannot fully answer. I asked if these small offerings could ever be enough to satisfy the god of the universe. What about grace? If you do wrong, you are given bad karma, or imbalanced karma, and the only way to get out of that is to do good. Do you ever feel like you cannot do enough?

I know that I can never offer enough to compensate for my sins. And that is ok, because Christ has paid the price for our transgressions. What a beautiful concept. Man could never do enough, God intervened to give us true life, free from coconut offerings or trying really hard to do good.

I am still processing these concepts of Hinduism. Mr. Budi is an amazing man, and his wife is an amazing woman. Each morning she places various offerings around the hotel grounds. I see the striving, but I know we can never offer enough on our own.

I will be graduating from Concordia in May, and I am not sure what I want to do afterward. Usually this would scare me. I love having a plan, having everything organized and figured out. But now I have a peace about it. I know that I am available to go wherever God would have me. I will not sit around and be careless with time to dream and plan and apply for jobs or schools, but I trust that worrying thousands of miles away can fix anything.

One option is the Middlebury Language school for Spanish. It is a 7-week summer language program at Mills College in Oakland, CA. I applied and am fairly sure I will get in. Whether or not I attend will be based on how much financial aid they offer me, since it is an expensive program.

The newest option is Bethel's School of Supernatural Ministry. Bethel church is in Redding, CA only 3 hours from my home. I have considered this school once before, after my sophomore year of college, but I knew I had to get my degree first. It is similar to a Bible college, where you can take 1-3 years of classes. Classes run from September to May. I would have classes Tuesdays-Fridays 12:45-5:30pm, attend two church services per week and one cell group per week. Students read through the whole Bible, along with 12 other books by various theologians. Tuition is only 4,000 per year in addition to housing and I would be able to have a part time job.
I really feel like God has been preparing me for a school like this.
Here's the website to the school if you're interested:
http://www.ibethel.org/site/bethel-school-of-supernatural-ministry

It is an amazing ministry that equips people to walk in God's spirit and power. Practical skills are taught, as well as general teachings and spiritual growth.
So much has been going on here. I am excited to see what happens in these last few weeks of traveling, and the residual effects God will work in my life and the members of the team. Please be praying for guidance, wisdom and boldness. Missing home but I will be there soon!

What are your moments of enlightenment?

What are your moments of enlightenment?

1. Argentina, waiting for the bus from the airport. The first realization that time does not always mean doing life by my schedule.
2. Learning loss in Argentina, one week into the trip, in Russia and in Turkey. Losing what I thought was valuable and continuing to wrestle with that loss throughout the trip. The drive from Cairo to Sinai and dealing with my frustrations of having no music or books to pass the time.
3. The idea of doing absolutely nothing for 4 days on the felucca sailboats, and being moved by our devotions, Dr. Norton’s message about Woe to you who go back to Egypt for comfort. Too much time for prayer and not enough distractions.
4. Africa-dealing with the apprehension and fear of coming to Kenya. Worried that my life would change, that God would call me back, that my heart would break for the country.
5. The walk in Kibera, the second largest Urban slum in Africa. The homestays with Mamma Grace and Joyce’s family, selling vegetables and reading Scripture together with her family.
6. All of India. Being constantly uncomfortable and slightly on edge.
7. Learning to deal with my discomfort, my fears, my anxiety and seeing that God is the only constant thing on this trip and in my life.
8. Learning that I only have a small amount of control over the future and my future ambitions. Trusting in God that he will provide and take care of my living situation, money, my car, classes, my job and career and my relationship with friends, family and Matt.
9. Knowing that I need to be continually praying for my mom, sisters, brothers and family
10. Accepting a compliment.
11. Finding joy in writing and recording stories.
12. Seeing joy in people who have nothing, no money, little food, poor living conditions, children begging and not in school.
13. Having church, worship and devotions with no carpet, no coffee, no fancy sound equipment, no RockHarbor.
14. Wearing the same 3 outfits over and over. Learning to be dirty and not hate every second.
15. Diving into Scripture and reconnecting with God who wants to speak truth and love into my heart
16. Preparing and dealing with Spiritual warfare in Turkey and Egypt and in primarily Muslim or Hindu countries.
17. Dreaming about how God will use me to impact the world
18. Giving a devotion and knowing that God will use my to speak His truth
19. Discovering that the Lord does give strength to his people, he blesses his people with peace
20. Recording the good and the bad. Getting frustrated with God, saying that He has taken everything away from me. And he has. He is removing my crutches, my earthly desires, what I think I need or want. He has taken them and replaced them with a beautiful community of fellow Christians who can pray and support me.
21. Not having anything else to rely on but God-no clothes, no snacks, no car, no music, no job, no income, no cell phone, no Internet, no schedule or Starbucks. Relying fully on him as my support, my foundation, my comfort, my joy, my love, my devotion

Ponderings from the Nile River

I made it back alive after a 3-day felucca trip up the Nile. A felucca is a traditional wooden sailboat used primarily to sail the Nile. 30 of us had 2 feluccas with 2 crew members on each. We ate vegetarian each meal and plenty of pita with various toppings. We took a night train Friday from Cairo to Aswan, and boarded the boat Saturday afternoon. I showered Thursday night before we left for Aswan, and then not again until this afternoon, Tuesday. I am definitely being pushed from my comfort zone; at home I shower at least once per day. And Egypt is hot. I mean hot. We were dripping sweat most of the time, which meant of course-we must cool off in the Nile.

It is extremely questionably water; I am sure it was not too safe for my new tattoo (see previous post..), but no one got sick and it was nice to float around with no real agenda. Free time is a new concept to this group, because we are always rushing somewhere, having classes, studying or taking tests. This semester has been my busiest yet, even without my job or friends and family to spend my time with.

Saturday night I spent a few hours just laying on the boat and praying. I journaled, I re-read my posts from the beginning of the trip, and pondered my future. It is difficult to dwell on the future when I am thousands of miles away and a continent and oceans prevent me from planning every or any details.

I read Tales of a Female Nomad this weekend. It showed me that I do not have to worry about providing for my every need. There are so many people out there that have helped me find a place to stay, a job, transportation, friendships, etc. God has me in his hand. That concept is so abstract, it doesn't always fit in my head very well. But while I know the value of planning and hoping for a good job and for things to turn out well, this time I want to fully depend on God. It is perfect, because I have no ability to work out my own future this far away.

My felucca ponderings have given me a peace about these next six months. I cannot wait to see my family and friends in December, and what is beyond Christmas I have no idea. I will rest in that, because God has always, always, always revealed the next step for me.

Tonight we leave for Kenya, and internet will be intermittent, if at all. If you don't hear from me, just pray that God would continue to work in this team and in my heart. Daily He is showing me how to trust in his plan rather than stress about how to provide on my own.

Final tattoo, Psalm 29:11a

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace, Psalm 29:11

One of my goals for the trip, unofficially, was to get a Hebrew tattoo in Israel. I mentioned it to the group in passing in our first two weeks in Argentina, and a few prayed about getting one as well. Fast forward 2 months and halfway through the trip- 6 people decided to go through with it.
The part that scares me the most is the declaration this particular verse is making: The Lord gives strength to his people. I know this to be true, it is the foundation of my life and God is the only reason this team of 30 students and faculty have bonded so quickly. Our foundation in Christ is the reason we are able to make it through tough classes, sickness, frustrations, various personality differences, all of our service projects and unending culture shock. God has brought each individual here, and we are reminded daily in large and small ways of His truth and present action in our lives.

And that is exactly what scares me: To have a permanent reminder on my body (my right arm, to be specific) that I can and should be fully dependent on God as my sole source of strength is the largest claim I can make. It is a declaration, but it is also a prayer that I would be continually renewed in the word as I actively seek His face rather than my own desires.
So in Christ I am broken yet full, dead to myself and alive in Him. May my present actions take me in His direction as this journey continues. Amen.

Shout to the Lord

I step out into the busy streets. Darkness covers this beautiful city, the Jaffa gate is visible from here as I pass through and continue onto my destination. My heart is excited, light in anticipation: Worship. The group of us rushes on through the streets, along the city wall, continuing on Jaffa Street. Twenty minutes later we find a spot to sit; the group piles onto the ground, ledges and cobblestone steps. This group consists of two schools- Marietta Bible College and Concordia University students are staying at the same hotel, and tonight we find ourselves together on the cement stairs.

Our eclectic compilation of instruments are scattered between our two groups to form one worship band. Holy is the Lord, we sing. I close my eyes to focus on the words I'm singing out to God, in this crowd of people with one purpose. I open my eyes after this first song and the largest group has appeared around us. Christians stretch their heads out of surrounding stores and restaurants, couples and families stop to see why we have gathered-to understand why we sing these praises.

Between each song I hear whispers permeate this sacred space. Who are you? What are you doing here? Why do you sing? Several students wander the edges to answer questions and offer prayer. How Great is Our God. Most of us take off our sandals as a symbol of this holy ground. The concrete steps have turned into God's dwelling place. Our hearts sing Him out, our voices lift His name in praise and adoration.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Some passing tourists stay the full two hours, others stay for a song or two. Soon individuals shout out song requests in English with various accents. Forever God is Faithful. The three guitars rotate between several musicians to display their own style.
We press towards the center of our contrived circle to accommodate the increasing crowd.

The community felt there can only by formed and felt because of God's presence and the Holy Spirit's actions in our lives. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. It is what binds us together in perfect unity. May God seal up that worship time-the words sung, the prayers prayed, the witness portrayed, in Jesus' name, in His City, among His People of Israel.