100. To do list

I have a life's to do list. It is organized by category: Spiritual, Outdoors, Travel, Altruism, Creative, Learning, Silly and a general "Life."

Number 100 is the last on my list, but it seems to be gaining an ever-increasing amount of importance on my heart and in this season.

100. Write a letter to everyone I love

Sounds simple, a 7-word sentence. But I am afraid of number 100. It would take up my whole heart, entirely.

I reminisce on this list because tonight I got some shocking news. My great grandma passed away today. She was 96 years old. Jean Forbes first inspired my love of travel. She has been to over 100 countries, and helped my buy my first international plane ticket when I was 15.

She experienced so much in her long life-probably more than a list of life to-do's organized by category could every portray.

But there is some controversy surrounding her death. I don't want to be graphic, but these details are what have shaken me the most today.

My great grandmother was found at the bottom of a cliff, near a creek by her home.
She suffered from dementia, which could easily explain a lapse in judgment, lack of coordination or just a blatant unawareness of her surroundings.

The deeper part of my heart believes she was absolutely incapable of taking her own life. Such a life of adventure, wonder, experience and love could not be commit such a crime. But the other part of my mind needs prayer. Prayer to get such an image out of my mind and heart, because it has no place there.

 I will forever remember my great grandma as a beautiful, stubborn, sweet and funny individual. She traveled, she lived, she saw, she recorded her stories in journal upon journal.

My heart aches that such a lovely person is gone, in such a tragic way. It makes my whole being shake with the desire for my whole family to know the power of Christ's love. Because he has changed my life, forever and ever.

My perspective is eternal, stretching to encompass a God who sent his son to die for ME and for YOU and for US. He died for those who love Him, and for those who turned away from Him, and for those who never took a second glance at Him. He loves the sinners, the broken, the lost, the found, the orphans, the pastors, the homeless, the joyful and the confused.

So, in honor of my family, may the strength I have been gifted from God give me the ability to transcend this earthly understanding.

Because I have been found by Christ. And that love surpasses all understanding.

101. To attempt to grasp the height, depth, width and breadth of His LOVE for us.

Goals revisited

Seven months ago, I wrote several goals for myself. They have all been met, at least on a partial, continuing level. Looking back and looking inwardly, I can tell that this list of 20 only scratches the surface of what has taken place.

Each item on this list represents something that changed in my life, my heart, at my very core. My identity has increased to encompass a level I have never known before. This list is a symbol, an icon of a paradigm shift.

Through hearing stories about other people, through being uncomfortable for the majority of 4 months, I have become more aware of what I am capable of. This is not of my own strength, or by sheer will power. Several times I would have given up, if not for my community around me who encouraged me with the Word and their presence.

I am still unsure how to process all that has happened. I sense a time is coming, because I cannot take it in all at once. Nor can I describe it here, with the mere written word. To do so would be a disservice to myself and to you.
So I will wait in attempted patience, with the knowledge and comfort that the changes have not come to a conclusion.

Travel and Loss

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Traveling to the tenth and final country has been one of the most trying experiences. It has also been a journey that has allowed me to see the most about myself. It is easy to love something when it loves you back. It’s easy to love traveling when there are beaches and fresh fruit juice, comfy beds and exciting new friends. But what about when travel does not love you back? It can be a cruel friend, so I have seen. Multiple times I have seen the shadowed side of travel. These are the parts that no one mentions in a post card home. On that small rectangular piece of thick paper, it is all smiles, sunshine and serenity. But once that paper has been stamped and sent by airmail to friends and family back home, the true experiences creep in.

If you think someone is perfect, spend more time with them. The truth comes out, slowly. After nearly four months, traveling has shown itself to me. I see that traveling often means being very uncomfortable, for days or weeks at a time. It means trying new foods, treading softly as to not offend the locals. It means following the group tour, or perhaps getting lost on your own. It means looking inside yourself at the places that only come out in times of desperation, anger or frustration.

I have seen that side: in Russia, with confusion and impatience, in Egypt, sailing down the Nile for 4 days. I saw it in India with no air conditioning, privacy or fresh air. I saw it in Kenya, where the people take too much of your heart. But China has been offering an even deeper view of self. Loss has increased, and my reaction to such events has been frustration and sadness. I see it only lasts for a moment. It last for a few moments, this last time.

There is nothing that is constant, except God, his love and his word. I have seen that. Times and circumstances change so quickly in this adventure of world travel. I lose material possessions, time, and money. Effort seems wasted, people seem unchanged, and my heart reacts in a deceitful way. It is scary. But a short time after, God always comes in and picks up these pieces of me. These pieces are much more malleable than before. They can be molded, shaped and changed in a way that was impossible before that instance.

I am still afraid to welcome such change. Perhaps one day I will see the true value in dying to self, multiple times on a single trip. I hope to see these new shapes. The old ones are gone; they are being replaced, renewed.

The lesson now is to learn to wait through the feelings of confusion, loss, anger, and fear. They still occur, but they are building a larger structure of character and strength that I could not have fathomed before. So in the tenth country I realize there are many more countries to come. There are many more uncomfortable situations. And as I learn to say, Bring the rain, for now I say, the rain is here and I know the fruit will come soon. Just be willing to wait, that’s all.