A Vision and Dreams

The past three days have been kind of strange for me. Monday and Tuesday the worship before class started was amazing. It was just a big celebration of who God is and declarations of his goodness and faithfulness. But all the while I stood in the back thinking, Nope. I don't believe God is always like that. Sometimes he's good, sometimes he's setting me up for failure. More and more lies ran through my mind and I eventually had to step outside of the sanctuary on both of those days.

The goodness of God is something I have had difficulty accepting. I hadn't pinpointed the issue until a few months ago, before summer started. My mentor and I were able to find this underlying issue that has caused a lot of fear and doubt in my life. It has kept me from fully trusting God in all situations. Having realized this, I've had to declare the truth of scripture over myself on how good God really is-truth of what he thinks about his children.

But the lies came flooding back on both Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night I had a great conversation about how God does indeed reward obedience. Sometimes it means we have to push through towards a new level with God and seek breakthrough. But God truly does reward those who desire to follow him wholeheartedly. He's good and his thoughts and actions over me are good.

This renewed confidence and joy in God spilled over yesterday and allowed me freedom to worship in joy, peace and abundant love. It was such a contrast to the previous two days.

Last night before I fell asleep I prayed that God would seal up my mind during worship. It's such a vulnerable time where we declare the worthiness of God and it truly ushers in His presence and we are able to encounter him. I prayed that God would consecrate that time-set it apart. Cast out lies and fears that had hindered me from worshiping in the fullness of what God deserves and express how much my heart is towards him.

And God answered my prayer! I haven't had many visions or dreams where God has spoken to me but last night he did. I had a vision of a small, shaded, leafy fox hole that had just enough space for a little creature to peek out.

 
The breath of God came and the hole was suddenly gone.

In it's place, God took big, solid beams of wood and he placed them up really high-higher than I thought was possible or safe. He built a giant, rectangular frame in my heart. It was like a tall, sturdy, reinforced doorway.

The new space that was formed has a high carrying capacity/relationship capacity-a term used for the depth of relationship with someone that gives the authority to speak into their lives. It's a symbol of loving influence. The doorway is also protected and fortified against the enemy's attacks-my original prayer.

Then the whole night in dreams God was just filling the doorway with all sorts of wonderful things. There was so much more space than in that small fox hole. The most vivid image was the frame filled with little kids who had all different skin colors-with the faces of the kids I met on my trip abroad last year-Chinese, Russian, Kenyan, Indian.

Now I'm wondering, how much can fit in this new, fortified space and what does God want to put there?

Enounters-the first 2 weeks

So much has happened already in the past few weeks of my time in Redding. Classes haven't even started yet!

I have been getting to know the ministries Bethel has to offer- Last week I attended a Financial breakthrough, prophesy, worship and prayer night hosted by a student. It was about 100 lovers of Jesus packed into a house. We worshiped, heard amazing testimonies of God's provision, prayed for breakthrough that God would provide finances for BSSM tuition, and then shared words and encouragement with each other. This was one of my first tastes of a BSSM party.

Every night there is something to attend- Worship nights, prophecy parties (basically just a few hours of encouraging others from Scripture and declaring God's promises over each other!), barbeques, days at Whiskey Town Lake (15 minutes away), and of course getting involved in the official ministries at Bethel Church.

My first Saturday I went to Bethel's Healing Rooms-this ministry is world famous. I went an hour or so early to spend time in the Alabaster Prayer House, which is a building open 24/7 for prayer, worship, journaling, quiet time, intercession, etc.

The Healing Rooms run 9:00am-10:30am on Saturdays. When I arrived at 8am, there was already a line of people near and through the church doors. These people have come from all over the world to receive prayer, healing, and get a taste of the Bethel culture.

I didn't come to the Healing Room for physical healing-though I was able to observe while others prayed for healing. The requirement to pray for others there is to go through their prayer training-which I plan to attend starting next week! But there's a separate room for corporate worship, prayer, prophetic art, prophetic dance, journaling, communion, etc.

Last Thursday night I attended Embassy Young Adults, a ministry time for ages 18-39. The worship that evening was very powerful, and after a message about Jesus calling us friends I received very accurate prayer from the ministry team.

This past Sunday night Heid Baker came to visit and share about her ministry in Mozambique and other countries in Africa. I had never heard her speak before-but her reputation as a powerful, radical lover of Jesus preceded her. I stepped into the building expectant of what God was going to do that night through her. And wow...God showed up!

Her message was all about stopping for the one-first Jesus, our One, and then stopping for one of the 4.4 billion people in the world who don't know Christ and are dying of spiritual starvation. Heidi shared testimonies of physical provision-a physical multiplication of food for the orphans she cares for in many countries in Africa. At the end the call was to declare that we would stop for the One.

Then a vision she had was shared that will remain etched into my mind forever-
She saw this from above the earth-she was taken up and could see the whole world below her. Charging around the earth below were chariots of fire led by two, transparent saints. They were transparent because they knew no sin to hide them-they had been made clean! The other strange thing about these saints was their hearts-they were disproportionately sized and stretched shoulder to shoulder inside their chests. These saints had the hearts of Christ for the nations, Christ's heart for His people.

Though these saints were each supposedly leading these chariots of fire around the whole earth, the reins were suspended up above, even higher above the earth and the chariots. Jesus was holding all the reins in his left hand. Jesus then declared that He was holding the reins because the saints below need two hands to carry the sword-the sword of mercy and justice.

Oh, my heart MOVED at this call to take up the sword of mercy and justice as Jesus is holding control of the chariots. The Spirit was so thick in the room at that time-after the declaration of God's goodness and desire for mercy and His love to be shown through us to all nations. I have never experienced anything like this night. Jesus is so good to reveal His heart to us.

Last night was another amazing, Spirit-filled evening. My roommates and I invited our wonderful landlords over for dinner and dessert. Little did we know it would turn into ministry time! That tends to happen at any gathering here that consists of more than one believer! We all just felt so loved and cared for-we all received prayer and prayed for each other. The Spirit revealed Himself to me in new ways that I didn't fully understand but by which I was very encouraged. This house is as safe place for us to know Jesus and be known by Him.

Many months ago when God laid this call to Bethel on my heart a second time, I began to pray about what I would find here. I also began to pray against my fears. The unknown is scary and misunderstanding can cause hesitation or a hindrance from experiencing all that God is. I don't want a God that looks like me. If I can fully explain His every move and touch, then what sort of supernatural, omnipotent, Creator God is this?



Classes start today-and my prayer is the same-Jesus reveal yourself to my here, through this ministry school. Show me how to be a better lover of your people-a better steward of your gifts-a better revealer of your Truth to the world around me.

Thanks for sharing in this journey with me, my friends. God is doing a very good work through this time.

Receiving Rest

I woke up this morning after a few hours of sleep. My first thought was of the intense awareness of God's Presence. My eyes opened and I laid there breathing in and out prayers of peace, of love and joy for provision, prayers that declare His faithfulness, prayers of pure thanksgiving to Jesus. Though I can't pinpoint or describe the process of change, it was a clear difference from yesterday.

It was like He softened my heart while I was sleeping...like I was resting and He came in and rained down life upon my spirit. Usually this feeling comes after travailing weeks of prayer, fasting, worshiping, journaling, and counseling. But today, I didn't do a thing to work for this peace, to search it out, to chase after it, to entice it near or to find it. I just slept. I just rested.

Perhaps this is the day I begin to learn the value of rest. Now I am realizing I don't have to push myself to be closer to Jesus-no longer do I need to try hard to feel His presence or work out the formula to encounter Him. He has just been knocking at the door...Jesus, come in! Come in and dwell here, make yourself known here, bring life and joy that emanates from your presence.

After writing this I felt a leading to read Zechariah 2:10-13

10“Shout and be glad, O Daughter of Zion. For I am coming, and I will live among you,” declares the Lord. 11“Many nations will be joined with the Lord in that day and will become my people. I will live among you and you will know that the Lord Almighty has sent me to you. 12The Lord will inherit Judah as his portion in the holy land and will again choose Jerusalem. 13Be still before the Lord, all mankind, because he has roused himself from his holy dwelling.”

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Freedom

I have been experiencing God's Presence in the most unusual ways at the most unexpected times. God has been showing me how much joy He brings through surprise encounters with Him. It is so amazing.
I can hardly count the ways in these past 3 weeks that I have really felt the Spirit.
I went up for prayer after service last week, after Johnny spoke about experiencing absolute FREEDOM that is given from Christ. I wasn't really dealing with anything particular. He said whoever just wants more of Jesus, come up for prayer.
Infinite amounts of freedom.
More and more, an increasing amount.
Be free and keep being free and keep experiencing His freedom.

The other day I was driving in my car (Cupcake! haha) and I was just thinking about the pure goodness of God. I just started crying. Seriously, it was probably mildly to moderately dangerous to be driving.

There's something so cathartic about just crying out to God. I love those moments of pure honesty. Sometimes it feels safer just to put a nice buffer in my prayer life. But when that comes down, wow. It's like God just comes in and removes all the space between us.
I want to live with no space between us.
That is what I have been resting in the past few days.

I am still guarding my mornings and setting aside time for communion with Jesus. I feel like those times in the morning, more so after the coffee is brewed, I am sowing into Heaven.

I don't always see the reward there-maybe I see it later in the day or week, in a breakthrough in a friend, an answered prayer request, getting rocked during worship, having Scripture come to mind at the perfect time, being able to receive a word from someone, experiencing an overflow of joy at the reality of His Freedom. If effectiveness is measured in overflow, I am totally experiencing that lately.

I wanted to document this season because I know it doesn't always seem so...rewarding or some other adjective...I'll be praying for continued breakthrough for you, my friends. May the reality of His love and peace surround you today.

Content in [all] circumstances

I had quite the emotional moment tonight. I moved from one temporary room to another. I was juggling my computer, paper bag of clothes and my blanket and pillow across campus to what is my current place to sleep tonight.

It was a strange situation. In the paper bag is a change of clothes-designer jeans from a former life. A macbook, also from a former life where I had money to spend on such things. And I moved towards my next temporary place to sleep.

I set up my bed, my blanket, my pillow. I place my paper bag on the floor. It's a simple life, but tonight it feels like one of shame, of forced humility. A year ago, life was easy. It was then I bought the jeans...And now I am living day to day. (To clarify, I have two jobs and am a full-time student, don't get me wrong. I'm just trying to find the right place to live since I've moved back from my semester abroad).

In Africa, it was easy for me to only have a few outfits, my hair tied back, Teva sandals and no makeup. But now, that life doesn't fit in Orange County. I resent that I feel this way-like I'm not good enough for the likes of this place.

I can't place my emotional well-being on my circumstances. I have just never been here before. Not only am I in want and need, everyone can see that I am in need. This is a place where self-sufficiency abounds. There is an overabundance of everything-32 flavors of yogurt, 25 kinds of shampoo.
I don't want to Costco-sized version of everything. I don't want 20 chapsticks, or 5 pounds of coffee, or a family pack of frozen enchiladas.

I just want to find my fulfillment in something more simple. It doesn't get much more simple than this paper bag and pillow.

Jesus, make me ok to live out of my car.

Haha, what a silly prayer. But I don't need an overabundance of everything-I just need an overabundance of You- of your love, grace and joy.

If your eye is on the sparrows, then your heart is on me, God. They do the work for which they were created, and God takes care of them..